on mothering and smothering

This evening we got home from yet another party. The closer it is to the end of summer, the more parties there are, left and right. I had a blast although as usual I had to chase my two sweet little rolling niblets all over the place. Specially now that the little man is walking!

I think I'm slowly gaining the reputation of the least relaxed mother in parties. I follow them around. I also nicely tell the older kids what my two can and can't play with. I sort of panic when I can't see them. No kidding. I don't care if I hadn't really gotten to finish half of the the food on my plate because first of all I was feeding them first and then when they're done eating and it's my turn to eat, they're suddenly out of my sight. And the chasing and the calling and the constant worrying begin!

I must admit I am that kind of mom who worries maybe too much. But for all I know maybe I just have the tendency to show my worries and that panic look on my face is probably way too obvious.

I have been asked to calm down and relax because the kids are just playing with the other kids and that they are just fine. But I just couldn't help it. I still can't and I probably won't.

Every single second that they leave my sight, I try to tell myself, they're most likely just fine playing behind a wall or with those kids in that crowd, I get scared of the horrific "what if's". What if they put something in their mouths and choke? What if they're about to fall or their fingers get caught in something? What if they're not even there?

So every moment, I just have to see them. Okay maybe three minutes at the longest.

I definitely need to relax a little and trust that they can manage a few things on their own. But as far as my list goes on what they can do by themselves and for themselves, those I can count with my right hand. I am totally Nemo's Dad sometimes and I know eventually I will just have to believe that "they can".

A bigger part of this is my worry that somebody is going to pick them up and take them away. I would say that's 75% of my fear. I just read about this girl who was kidnapped and turned into a sex slave for eighteen long years (!) and gotten pregnant twice by the devil himself! Those news definitely don't help. And I think I trust the outside world less and less.

One time at another party I finally blurted the question, "Oh when will this constant worrying end?" An older man whose children were probably already adults gave me a short and honest answer. "Never," he said.

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Truth is we got to the party an hour and a half late (although the buffet was still flooded with food). There really was no dancing or karaoke-ing unlike most Filipino parties I've attended recently. We drove from Saint Louis to Boonville and back which totaled to about five hours of driving. And we were there for exactly only three hours.

I got to see some whom I hadn't seen in a while and those who were present at the last party I went to and still some whom I met for the first time. Okay, there were also those whom I've seen quite a number of times but haven't really gotten to now very well.

It was a lot of fun and I liked it when my friend Anecita sang for her daughter (whose birthday was the reason for the occasion). She got choked up after every line. I was so touched. I hadn't seen her so emotional before that and as a mother myself, I genuinely felt her utmost love for her only child.

I also showed off my new do! After six years of long locks my hair is back to wash and wear! I actually feel a few pounds lighter!



Anyway I left the party with this indescribable mixed feelings of enjoyment, fulfillment and happiness. Sort of a sense of tranquility. I love it.

But then that's maybe because at that point the kids were already strapped in their car seats on the second row.

she saw see sioux

We were on the road for more than twelve hours!

We spent the night (and in fact I'm typing this) at the Fairfield Inn Marriott in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. We left St Louis, Missouri at one o'clock yesterday morning and arrived at around two yesterday afternoon.

I didn't think I could do cross stitch on the road (I knew I would have had to frog 'em anyway by the time we got here!) that's why I brought yarns and a G hook. I have finished two of these which I am calling pumpkin pot holders.

Our trip was meant to be a quick back and forth. But we just got too tired to even think of heading back out. Specially with two little ones who were surprisingly quite 'manageable' during the ride considering that they were in their car seats (except during potty breaks) for almost fifteen hours!

We then had a dinner at a buffet near the hotel. At that point, the kids were just needing to be taken home. In fact, Mimi actually asked her daddy to 'take her home'.

Anyhow, my days have been a lot better. I have 'gotten over' the person I was referring to in my previous post.

I pity the friend of mine who has this same situation still ongoing with this same person. And my friend is left with pretty much no choice because they are (by marriage) family. She often confides in me about how she feels. It is very tough for her because she is expected to just 'ignore' things. But then she ends up wallowing in pain and anger.

I hope that she finds a solution to her situation very soon.

what's eating me

I've had better Saturdays. I was dragging my feet all day. Tired. I was kind of depressed actually. Not so long ago, I got into a situation that I didn't expect would happen and which I wish didn't at all. I'm not going to get into details but it's basically a friendship that just had to die before it even flourished. I have to admit I've been disturbed and emotionally drained. The past week, I have sort of "moved on" already but that party I just went to put me back to square one.

See, it's like a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. People asked me about her. And I couldn't be mum. But I couldn't just spill it all out either. I just had to pretend that nothing was going on.

It's hard because we have common friends. And it's awkward specially in instances when we are in the same room.

I'm just not used to that, I guess.

But I will be. Maybe.

I know, as much as I regret that we had to "split", I still believe it is for the best. We had differences. And they are, to me, quite irreconcilable.

I have told a few other friends about this when things were much more recent and when I was even more consumed by it mentally. I liked it that I was basically advised to focus about the future and focus on my family and those who bring positive vibes into my life.

So right now I want to think of ways to make sure tomorrow will be a more positive, more productive and less stressful day.

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Anyway, I have a progress photo of my peacock. Here it is.




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May we all have a wonderful Sunday! ^_^